I have been pondering the adjustments in my life since my husband died. I've decided there are two options: give up, throw in the towel and become something less than human or get up every morning, tell myself I can do this and start discovering a world that is new to me. I find I still keep myself from growing, improving.... because....I need to get home. That is what being married was about. Sharing a life meant keeping priorities in life with it. It has been a very hard habit to let go of and I still haven't. I guess I like that initial feeling that I have someone to go home to. But then the reality sets in and a conversation ensues with myself. It is much harder to stay and keep exploring something new than to just go home. Home is safe, home will protect me. I am focusing on getting over that crutch but it does require courage and I have used more than I ever thought I had in the last year.
With that said, thank goodness for painting. Art is the one constant in my life, along with my cockapoo, Max. It wraps its arms around me, gives me comfort, let's me be in whatever mood I am without judgement. It heals me, allows me to stop the day and bask in nature. For those hours I am painting, my world is still the same. I am truly grateful.
With life after a spouse comes changes whether I want them or not. I should say adjustments. I can paint in my dining room. I can leave my studio a disaster. I can wash all my clothes in one load. I can skip a meal and not do chores. There is no one to tell me to get with it. That can be very dangerous to me as a human since I could reason myself right back into bed and just forget the day. Then my conversation with myself comes full circle: what are you going to do with your life? Give up, blame the world and become something I would not be proud of. So instead, I linger a bit longer with my brushes, watch the sunset to the end, stay out a bit later at night and sometimes, just sometimes, I can see that I will be ok. I may not be the happiest but I am hoping that comes eventually. Finally, thank you God, for my Sister, dear friends and my dog. My friends know I struggle but don't let me use it as a crutch, encourage me to go foreward, say its ok if it's a bad day. Max (dog)has had to go thru these adjustments right along side me. He looks at me as to explain but I fail. In the end a treat will make him jump for joy and make me laugh. And that is enough for now.
